And Then It's Gone
by Waiting-for-a-mad-man-in-221b
Summary: Blaine sees their whole life together flash before his eyes, and then it's gone. Angst! Major charter death. More angst!


Blaine just stares, and he sees everything all at once.

The first couple of love struck years pass through his brain quickly. First it's the stairs... Teenage dream… Then he's at the gap with Kurt trailing behind him while he serenades another guy. He still blushes at his naïveté, and scold himself for being such an idiot and not seeing what he already had in front of him_. _Kurt transfers to Dalton, there is Baby It's Cold Outside, and then there is Black Bird_. _Every time he hears that song it's like he feels himself falling in love all over again. Especially if it's Kurt's cover on the mixed CD that Kurt made him in college that hasn't left the first spot in Blaine's CD changer since he put it there that Fall night. Then it's the first kiss… Candles… Kurt going back to McKinley… Blaine transferring just to be with him. Then it's all Glee club, and prom, and comforting Kurt when he's crowned prom queen because Blaine knows that hurt even though he thinks that Kurt deserves every award out there. Then their first time… and everything is perfect and magical and so slow and tender and loving and just… them. He remembers sitting to watch Kurt's NYADA audition, so surprised and also so proud when he decides last moment to go with Not The Boy Next Door, because he isn't. He'll never be the boy next door to Blaine, because Kurt is so much more special than any other boy. He's kind and amazingly talented, he driven and stubborn and caring and he's the love Blaine's life. And when Blaine finds himself holding Kurt as he shakes in his arms after he opens his NYADA letter and find that he hasn't gotten in, well Blaine is angry, because Kurt deserved to get in more than anyone.

He remembers when Kurt left. The ride back from the airport had been almost unbearable. It took every ounce of resilience in him not to go running back to the gate to stop him from leaving. But New York was Kurt's dream and who was Blaine to stop him from following that. Especially when he knew he would make it. Some how against all odds, and without the help of NYADA, Kurt would see his name in lights, which was the one thing Blaine was absolutely positive of.

The first few weeks back at McKinley by himself were hard. He was scared mostly. He could usually put up a good front but without Kurt there… he didn't feel all that courageous anymore. But then there was Tina, and Sugar, and Artie. The four of them, who were already good friends to begin with, became even closer. Tina was always there when Blaine needed a good pity party over Kurt being in New York and in turn Blaine was there when Tina was missing Mike. Sugar was always good for a party to get his mind off of things (missing Kurt being most of those things). And it was always good to have a guy friend, and Artie was definitely a great guy friend.

The first time he'd visited Kurt at college… was amazing. Kurt insisted he take Blaine all around the city. There was Time Square of course and then Central Park. Kurt took him to a different coffee shop every morning of his week there. They were all amazing but none would held the same meaning as the Lima Bean. But those were just the days. The nights were Blaine's favorite part. They would lie in Kurt's bed, just holding each other, sometimes they stayed like that for hours, until one of them would turn and kiss the other. Lightly at first, reacquainting their bodies, their movements. Getting back into the right grove after months of being apart from one another. Gradually becoming more needy, and then eventually loosing all control and it was like they weren't two separate people anymore. There was no such thing as Blaine without Kurt. And that's what made it one hundred times harder to get back on the plane at the end of the week.

Graduation was the light at the end of the tunnel, because he knew what came next, but it was still sad to have to say goodbye to McKinley. There were a lot of tears shed. Tina was going to New York too so when they said goodbye after all the diplomas were handed out and everyone was just standing in the choir room, not ready to let go at least it wasn't goodbye for ever, or even for long. Artie was staying in Lima and Blaine knew he'd see him every time he came back with Kurt to see his family, and by his family he really meant the Hummel's. Blaine had no idea where Sugar was going, he didn't think she did either.

And then he was in New York, finally in New York. Finally with Kurt. And as much as everyone (except for Kurt) warned him against it, Blaine started up college for Music Theory. It was a risk but Kurt believed he could really become someone, and that was enough for him.

And that's exactly what happened. He became someone, and he knows it would have never been possible without Kurt. He had a record deal by his junior year of college. The same year that Kurt graduated from AMDA. The same year that Kurt got his first (albeit minor) role on Broadway. They were living out there dreams, and none of it would have been possible without the other by their side.

With both of their careers just taking off, Christmas was more welcomed than usual. They flew back to Lima and spent it at the Hummel's. There were a lot of announcements that Christmas. Finn and Rachel were getting married for starters, and Rachel was also 3 months pregnant. Blaine could see the excitement in Kurt's eyes; they were going to be uncles… That was the first time Blaine really thought of the future beyond his upcoming album and Kurt's first run on Broadway. That's when he realized that he wanted a family, that he wanted a family with Kurt. Just the idea of it made his stomach flip and his heart swell with the idea of Kurt holding their child… they would need a bigger apartment, but he supposed he should talk to Kurt about all of it first. But not there, he wanted to wait until they were home from their week off that was just the perfect amount of time before they both actually started to miss the squeal of tires in the middle of the night, and taxi drivers shouting for people to 'move their pieces of shit', that seemed to be New York's version of a lullaby.

As soon as they were back home though things picked up quickly. It seemed as though Blaine lived in the recording studio, and if he wasn't there then he was writing in the living room, kitchen, bedroom, anywhere he could find a surface to write on really. And as the show's run came to an end Kurt was approached by someone who was interested in him playing Marius in Les Mis, which he of course had no other choice than to accept. They were just too busy to think of anything else than their careers at the time, so Blaine tucked the idea of marriage and family away safely in his brain where he was sure to go back to it when the time was right.

The time comes sooner than he thought it would. Blaine's record was out and doing fairly well for an unknown artist. Kurt was on a break from Broadway. Blaine had saved up enough money for a ring, and then it was just waiting for the right moment. So when they are taking a walk after dinner one night, and there is nobody around Blaine feels like if he didn't do it then he never would. So he took the ring, which he'd kept in his pocket since he got it, out. Dropping to one knee, he asked Kurt if he'd marry him right in front of their favorite coffee shop in the city. Kurt was all choked up when he finally squeaked out a yes. Blaine quickly slid the ring on his finger, he picked him up and twirled him around, it was almost cheesy but neither of them cared.

Soon he would see Kurt walking down the isle toward him. He was clinging so tightly to Burt, like if he let go he would just float away on all of the joy that was coursing through him. They'd waited for marriage equality in all 50 states which, once it was passed in most of the major states, didn't take that long. His memories were clouded but he could just make out Kurt's tux and how Blaine remembered just how perfectly it had fit him. The jacket slopping in at just the right point on his waist. The pants not too tight but tight enough to not leave too much to the imagination. But what he remembered most was how the black fabric against Kurt's glowing porcelain skin made him look like an angel, and Blaine supposed he was an angel. His angel.

It was on their honeymoon in Paris when Blaine brought up a family, they were of course already a family but he hoped to expand that. It was such a relief when Kurt assured him that he too hoped that it would expand. So as soon as they got back they were on the phone searching for an agency. Once they had an agent they found Becca soon after. She was only two months pregnant, but Kurt and Blaine were happy to wait.

The day Charlotte arrived was the best day of their lives. It was October 4th, a perfect fall day. Kurt was at home, making everything perfect in their new apartment for when they brought their daughter home, and Blaine was at the studio in the middle of recording a song for his 3rd album, when Kurt got the call. Blaine ignored his manager's questions as he ran out of the studio, not stopping long enough to grab his coat. He met Kurt in the waiting room; they were both anxious walking into the delivery room. Nervous, shaking and both of them completely terrified they helped Becca, letting her squeeze their hands thinking it would help reduce her pain by putting her mind on other things but it only managed to leave them with bruised hands and crushed knuckles. None of that mattered when they heard that first cry. After the doctor assured them that everything was perfect, he left them. Everyone in the room was crying at that point. Kurt was holding Charlotte, smiling down at her and Blaine so wished he had remembered his jacket now that he realized he didn't have his camera phone to capture this moment. When Kurt approached him offering the little bundle in his arms to him his nerves doubled. What if he dropped her? What if she started crying again? What was he supposed to do when she cried? He suddenly realized how unprepared he really was, but as soon as she was in his arms… it was like his arms had been molded to hold her. This was their child, their beautiful baby girl.

The next 7 years went by in a flash. First it was Charlotte learning to walk and talk, and then it was her first day of kindergarten and Blaine remembered him and Kurt worrying themselves to sleep the night before, thinking of how bad they had it in school and hoping that Charlotte wouldn't have to go through what they went through because her parents were gay. But everything was just fine, and way too quickly she was in second grade, and getting the lead in the second grade play which was a performance of The Princess and the Pea, and even though they didn't share the same DNA, Kurt and Blaine knew that somehow she'd gotten her knack for performance from them.

They had all been looking forward to the day of her first performance. Blaine had the camcorder ready, and he had a seat saved for Kurt when he got back from his own show. Blaine knew something was wrong when it was just minutes until the lights went down and Kurt wasn't sitting next to him. Blaine could have blamed it on traffic and forgotten about it, but he knew how important this had been to Kurt. He would have moved oceans to get here on time. He figured he had enough time to call him quickly before the show started. He didn't pick up, and Blaine knew something was wrong, terribly wrong. It was one of their promises to each other. They _always_ picked up each other's phone calls. He started to panic, first calling the apartment to see if he'd forgotten and went straight home from rehearsal, but there was no answer. Before he even hit the end button his phone was ringing. He didn't recognize the number and he began to think that Kurt's car had broken down somewhere and his cell was dead, and Blaine found himself breathing again until he heard the overly polite voice on the other end of the phone that definitely didn't belong to Kurt.

And then he was sitting by Kurt's hospital bed, holding the hand that hadn't been crushed in the accident. And Blaine was hopeful though the doctors gave him no reason to be. They told him from the beginning, that even if he did wake up he'd most likely be a vegetable. He hoped for the best. He also hoped that the cops would get that fucking truck driver for reckless driving and take away his license forever so that someone else didn't have to feel what he had been feeling since he'd dragged Charlotte off the stage kicking and screaming, angry about missing her show until he had told her on the way to the hospital about the accident. She stopped arguing and flung herself at him, grabbing onto him and soon he felt the shoulder of his sweater being soaked through with hot tears.

But that was days ago, and Charlotte wasn't there crying on his shoulder. She was at home with Carole while Finn and Burt were sitting across from Blaine at the other side of Kurt's hospital bed, the only noises came from the machines and their sporadic sniffles as they each tried not to lose their cool in front of one another. Blaine remembers thinking how unfair it all was. Kurt was 32, with so much of his life ahead of him and even if he did make it out of this it would mean years of physical and mental therapy. Some days Blaine was so hopeful and wishful that Kurt would wake up. He would be able to help with him get better and before he knew it they would be their little family again. Then other days it all seemed like so much. What Kurt had ahead of him was half of a life worth of pain and frustration and that's if his brain wasn't completely mushed. Some days he hoped that Kurt would just pass peacefully in his sleep, and he felt awful those days but he couldn't help thinking it. And when he came back from lunch one day to find the doctors trying to revive him after he had suffered cardiac arrest he cursed himself for thinking such an awful thing. How could he think that life would be easier without Kurt? Even if Blaine had to spend every day of the rest of his life spoon-feeding him, life with Kurt would still be so much easier than life without. Because he wasn't just Blaine and Kurt wasn't just Kurt, they were Kurt and Blaine, never one without the other.

And when the noise on the machine changed from the steady beep…beep…beep to one constant one, he lost himself. He dropped to the floor, not caring that he was in the middle of the hallway. Not caring about anything other than Kurt, just thinking of Kurt and how he was gone and how this was something that he couldn't fix with a 'I'm sorry'. This wasn't one of those times that they were fighting and Kurt had left him for a few days, going to stay with Rachel and Finn and their son Max while they let the flames die down. He couldn't fix this by sliding a mix tape through the mailbox slot, just waiting for Kurt to barge through the door, a stubborn 'you really think I'll forgive you because of a few heartfelt songs' face before breaking into a smile and finally stepping forward for an 'I'm sorry' kiss.

No Kurt was gone, and Blaine could only hope that he was somewhere better than here. Better than this god awful existence where people can feel love so intensely, that when it's over it causes physical pain. This place where death is inevitable yet still so unimaginable that when it happens to someone you love they aren't the only one that dies, a part of you goes with them.

And then it's gone, and he's standing back in the cemetery, the rain pattering on his umbrella is the only noise other than the sobs that rack his body every couple of minutes. He stares blankly at the head stone, he knows what it will read but he doesn't let his eyes focus on any of the letters or numbers afraid that if he does he might lose it completely.

"Damn it Kurt!" He exclaims suddenly, the words coming out choked and his voice horse from crying. "It wasn't supposed to be like this." He tries to cover his mouth to muffle the sounds not wanting to disturb other people, but when it doesn't work he realizes that he doesn't really care at all. "We… We were supposed to grow old together. And what about Charlotte? I can't do this by myself. I-I can't… I feel like my whole world has been crashing down around me these past two weeks and the only person I want to talk to isn't here!"

The trembling in his knees finally becomes too much and soon he feels them sink into the wet ground. Kurt would yell at him for ruining one of his best pairs of dress pants, but the thought only makes him laugh, before he starts crying even harder. He wants to say something to him, anything that might sound encouraging, just incase he can hear him. Something that will let him know that it will be the hardest thing Blaine has ever done but he will some how be ok in the end, but it's just so damn hard when he can't see anything ever being ok again, not right now. "You are the love of my life Kurt, and a little thing like death isn't going to change that. I promise that I will be a good father to Charlotte, not as good as you were but I'll try. I just miss you baby, Charlotte misses you. Everyone does. You were so special Kurt, you touched a lot of people, me the most and I can't thank you enough for that." It all comes out in a jumbled mess of hiccups and tears and he's still trying to catch his breath when he feels a small hand wrap around his.

Charlotte's umbrella tips back so she can look at him. He really wishes she didn't have to see him this way, but she should know that it's ok to cry. It's ok to feel like the world is ending. But she should also know that it won't stay that way forever. So he scoops her up, holding her close into his chest, letting her umbrella fall to the ground.

"I want him back." The words made Blaine's heart drop into his stomach.

"I want him back too sweetie, but that's not going to happen. And I know it hurts so much right now but I promise it will get better."

"But it's never going to go away." Her voice made Blaine's heart break, as if it weren't already broken. She sounded so small, and terrified and hurt and completely and utterly lost.

"It hurts so much because you loved him so much. If you hadn't loved him then it wouldn't hurt like this, but would you give up loving him just to make the pain go away?"

"I could never not love him. He was the best papa in the whole world." She said through a sob.

"I know… I know he was. Know what else I know?" He sets her down, pushing the hair that stuck to her tear stained face behind her ear, he makes her look at him. "I know that we're going to get through this. But it's going to take a lot of time, and a lot of courage."


End file.
